Coming Out with OCD

This month is Pride, a time for coming out and saying who we are as LGBTQ people.  A time to be proud about our identities even when others tell us that we should be ashamed.  Being public about our true selves, we assert, is about casting off shame.  I came out as a lesbian about ten years ago, but now I have to come out in another way . . . 

I'm just going to be open and say it:  I have OCD--Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I'm diagnosed and have been diagnosed for over 15 years, although the symptoms have been with me as long as I can remember.  The diagnosis part is important to me for a couple of reasons.  First, having someone verify my OCD makes me realize that the problem is real.  This is not how people think and live.  Second, one my pet peeves is when people jokingly explain their need for neatness or organizing or for being in control of one thing or another as being OCD.  While a penchant for organizing and tidiness may be on the "spectrum" of OCD, living with OCD is more than being an annoying Felix.

Most people associate OCD with performing rituals, such as compulsive hand washing or checking.  My form of OCD primarily involves internalized rituals, although at times I use external, compulsive actions as a way of coping or releasing the stress of my internalized rituals.  In some sense, the fact that most of my rituals are cognitive, OCD thoughts, makes it easier for me to "pass" as "normal."  Also, my externalized rituals are also seemingly "normal" behavior . . . I may be a little crazy, but I don't look crazy!    

Anyway, my OCD thinking is generally triggered when I believe or realize I have done something wrong, incorrect, stupid, or shameful.  Usually, these are things that I have done wrong or incorrectly:  They aren't just things I make up.  Over the past couple of years, the mistakes have been things related to my professional life.  These are mistakes that can't be un-done.  So this is my pattern:  I obsess about the mistake; I usually have some type of physical panic attack (symptoms include increased pulse, racing heart, sweating, blurred vision, light-headedness, nausea); I begin having uncontrollable thoughts which are about self-harm.  Don't worry, I don't generally act on them.  For example, when I am in an OCD "storm" I often have thoughts about smashing my head in with a hammer.  These thoughts are visual for me:  I repeatedly see myself doing the action in vivid detail.  Sometimes I "feel" the vision as well.  While I know these thoughts are irrational, they somehow bring a momentary release of the obsessive thoughts about my mistakes or imperfections.  However, the release is momentary and I go through the compulsive thoughts over and over and over.  In the midst of these patterns of thinking, I will sometimes do things to try to lessen the agony of the compulsive thoughts.  Some of these behaviors are seemingly "healthy."  For instance, I will seek some type of external reassurance that I'm not a total failure.  The problem is, this reassurance does not help me . . . it only offers me a temporary release from the obsessive thinking patterns and makes me want to seek more and more external reassurance.  Also, I need to learn to be OK with myself, regardless of what others think about me.  More often, I will obsessively research things related to the mistake, although this just makes me feel worse, and worse, and worse.   Sometimes, I will rest my head against a hard surface (odd, I know).  Most of the time, when I'm in this kind of storm, I just want to go to bed, lie down, etc.

So, what do I to manage this?  First, I take medication--primarily sertraline.  When I take it regularly, it really helps me not be triggered and if I am triggered I can usually pull myself out of the spiral.  The problem is, sometimes I don't take my meds as regularly as I should.  As many people know, drugs like sertraline sometime dull a person's emotions.  Sometimes I just want to feel the highs and lows of life and, consequently, I "forget" to take my pills for a few days.  It's not really a deliberate decision, but there are times when I just can't seem to manage taking my pills for a few days.  Second, I have been in counseling on and off for the past 15 years.  Right now I'm "off," although I do have someone I can go to if and when I can't pull myself out of a cycle of obsessive-compulsive thinking.  Third, I try to find and cultivate activities that bring me joy and help me de-stress--working in the yard, making art, cooking, playing with the dogs, traveling.  Sometimes I'm better at finding times to do these things than others.  During the school year, I tend to forget that these things are important for me to feel well.  I really need to keep at these things because they do help me stay grounded and happy.  Finally, I have some resources, books and websites, that I use to help me remember how to manage.  Below is a list of some of my favorites.

Exposing OCD:  This blog is by a woman who lives with OCD.  She uses the blog to practice Exposure Therapy, which is really what this blog entry is about as well.  She did a great series on the ABC's of OCD.

Ordinary Courage:  This blog is written by Dr. Brene Brown, who is probably most well known for her TED talk on imperfection.  She's a shame researcher and she writes about living with imperfection.  She's honest and funny.

Stop Obsessing!:  This book encourages you to do exactly what the title says, Stop Obsessing!  The blog has helpful discussions of the relationship between obsessions and compulsions and offers strategies for living with obsessive thoughts.

Calming Your Anxious Mind:  This books teaches you how to use meditation and meditative reflection to help you deal with anxiety and panic.